Hi, my name is Sophie and I like to pretend emotions don’t exist.
Two weeks ago my days were filled with one challenge after another and by Friday night I could feel myself going into an emotional lockdown, attempting to bury every feeling in a Fort Knox-type armory with hopes that they would never surface again.
Welcome to my default setting. I am a master wall-builder. I’m pretty sure that is due to the fact that I’m scared of feelings. Scared of loving people too much and then enduring their rejection or removal from my life. Scared that God will punish me for liking someone. Scared of letting people down (even though it’s inevitable). Scared of doing things wrong. Scared of being seen. Scared of a “yes” because it seems like I only know how to trust God for a “no.”
This isn’t a new thing for me. This post reveals that last year at this time, almost a year to the day, God was addressing the exact same thing in my heart. Praise for His patience.
But really, wouldn’t it be so much easier if feelings weren’t a thing? You wouldn’t have confusion, anxiety, fear, or, most importantly, pain. It would be great because we could float through life unaffected and uninfluenced.
And that would be a major problem.
See, when I start to believe the lie that it would be better if I didn’t feel anything, I’m directly attacking the way God made us by saying that He made a flaw, a fundamental error in our design.
But that’s just not true. And it gets worse.
Belief in those lies equates another hideous reality.
When I allow Gospel muscles to atrophy and fear-paralysis to set in, I’m directly attacking the very character and nature of our Father, abusing and smearing His image and integrity into a false caricature that distorts and misrepresents His flawless reality entirely.
Therefore, all of these heart struggles I’m experiencing right now can be traced back to one thing: my perspective of God.
Like Paul says in Romans 1:25, I’ve exchanged the truth of God for a lie and I’m worshipping and serving a created thing (my false view of God) rather than the Creator.
Now, lest you think I’m speaking from a position of victory, just know that as I write these words my heart would build more walls than President Trump, if I’d let it.
I can even now feel myself trying to close up and self-protect. The desire to seal off my heart from people is real and heavy and reveals another reason I need a Savior.
And we have One—One who felt everything. No emotion was kept from Jesus. He endured all things and experienced all the feels and was tempted in every way we are, yet without sin.
Because He is stronger than the strong man, because He has defeated sin, Satan, and the grave, He has proven He is also stronger than my strongest affection. He is stronger than my heart (1 John 3:19-20). He is stronger than my view of Him. He is stronger than the lies I believe about Him. He is stronger than darkness. He is stronger.
There is nothing we face or struggle with—whether it be temptations, sin, or our empty pursuit of broken cisterns—that is stronger than the Lord.
If God would overcome death and hell then He will certainly not leave us flailing about, struggling with things that cannot be overcome by Him.
Including the feelings and emotions I often wish were nonexistent. Including the graven image(s) I’ve constructed of Him. Including all my guilt and shame.
“God is working right now, but not so much to give us predictable, comfortable, and pleasurable lives. He isn’t so much working to transform our circumstances as He is working through hard circumstances to transform you and me.”
–Paul David Tripp