The dreams were bad last night.
It’s crazy how hard the days and nights can be sometimes and then, without warning, so smooth and easy. And then the cycle repeats. Little (and big) reminders of our desperation for the Lord’s steadying hand. We never outgrow our need for Him and He is kind enough to remind us of both our need and His provision for it.
I grieve and ache and mourn for all the losses incurred over the years by my family, my home church, the global church, my own heart, and those close to me. All the hurt from people intentionally throwing up the deuces and leaving by choice.
Death of relationships seem magnified when the other person is still alive.
It stings with lasting intensity, one that keeps the flesh and heart tender, sensitive, and raw, acutely aware of the former injury, should the spot be touched or grazed again.
Watching those I love encounter and endure yet another wave of loss makes me want to weep and throw up all at the same time. My heart aches and hurts and I want to punch something. And in the mystery of this spirit/flesh union, I also don’t want to discount what the Lord is doing in any of the lives involved.
We know from Scripture and experience that pain and rejection does not mean God’s absence. It does not mean He doesn’t care. It does not mean He isn’t near or has dropped His hands in defeat.
While it hurts, He is honing. Honing our hearts to hunger and thirst for His.
He is working.
stripping of defenses.
Making room for more of His glorious self to fill up our brokenness.
And He is acquainted with grief and abandonment.
He knows a thing or two about the arena of betrayal and He came out as Champion, the Victor who was forsaken, then promised the very ones who left Him that He never would abandon them.
He redeems our trespasses and sins and He stays.
When everyone else leaves.
When all the people who walked with us for so long choose to go another way, He stays.
He will hold us fast.
And He is better than if all should have stayed.
“‘I am with you always’ is enough for my soul to live upon no matter who forsakes me.” -Charles Spurgeon